The Catch 22

So how do you manage thinking you’re the best, wanting to be the best and the actuality of potentially not being the best? Let's reflect, how often is losing celebrated? So I understand that despite your most private, confident thoughts – the reality of possibly losing is nerve-wracking! In addition, let’s talk about the added stress that society places on you to ‘lose with grace’. Remember, Cam Newton after his Superbowl loss this year? Whew, even I criticized him for not ‘sucking it up’ and being the same galvanizing leader he was when the Carolina Panthers were winning and ‘dabbing’ on folks! But upon reflection, he is simply a product of America’s focus on winning and their poor handling of losing. To further make my point, does anyone remember that the Seahawks achieved a level of greatness by going to the Superbowl two years in a row in 2015? Or more so the angst felt because ‘they didn't given Marshawn the ball'? So how do we address this obvious deficiency and make losing more 'palatable'? You guessed it, start with the younger generations!

Russell Wilson's SuperBowl Losing Interception

The Participation Trophy

Just to explain for my global readers, participation trophies are given to kids who do not win their sports' tournament. While well intentioned, I see participation trophies as a questionable attempt to address the ‘poor handling’ of the negative psychological effects of losing. Really, what message is being sent to these young kids? Are we actually helping them constructively deal with the disappointment of losing so they can look forward to winning, or just temporarily comforting their hurt emotions? Even if the practice was created with the most altruistic intentions, how do we manage the trade-off of more kids participating in sports because they know they will get a 'trophy' win or lose, over the subsequent entitlement that develops from this expectation of being rewarded for losing?

James Harrison with his kids' Participation Trophy

This issue became a media hot topic when James Harrison, a Pittsburg Steeler’s linebacker, refused to give his kids the trophies they received for ‘participating’ and losing. Some agreed with him and others didn’t, which provided a robust national discussion about the meanness or merit of his decision. Recently, his teammate DeAngelo Williams supported these sentiments in an interview stating, “So, I should feel good about my kids coming home with a participation trophy and putting it next to my trophies that I worked hard for?” So the challenge is, how do we prepare the youth for a dog-eat-dog world where there is no prize for trying, and only the most resilient, the most persistent, and those determined to win despite the odds, dominate the competition?

The Solution

Since it is guaranteed that we will all lose at some point in our lives, and some of you struggle with Atychiphobia or on a lesser scale are very critical of yourself when you lose, I have set out to reframe your thinking. My goal is to share with you the insights I have learned from my successes and failures that will hopefully highlight to you that even when you lose, you win, because you are evolving into a better, stronger you.

5 Valuable Insights from Failure:

1: Progress

You cannot grow and fine tune your strengths if you do not show up and assess your progress. Let’s say you ran a marathon and finished dead last out of 100 people, do you realize that in actuality you beat millions of people who have thought about running a marathon but were too scared to train and compete? So really, you beat millions of people, even if in the context of that race you finished last. If you are afraid to compete you give into defeat!

2: Second-mover advantage

Being first is like possessing the last cookie from the cookie jar which you fight to protect like Sméagol in the Lord of the Rings :). Winning is definitely hard to achieve, but you know what is even harder? Staying on top! Why? Because there are a host of people vying your spot. The beauty of being ‘late’ to the winners’ circle is that you get to learn from the strengths, missteps and oversights of those that succeeded first, and use their operational blueprint to build and create a stronger brand to lead the pack. Let’s think about the technology field, specifically social media. Remember Hi5 and MySpace? According to your generation, you may have no reference point for these sites because Facebook made us forget! But their failure is a common part of entrepreneurship as 9 in 10 new businesses fail, especially in information technology. So while you are not first, I challenge you to study companies like Facebook and Amazon that rose to the top by focusing on what makes them unique, addressing the weaknesses of their competitors and being resilient on their journey to success. You too can dethrone your competition with a sustainable approach to success, but you have to risk 'losing' first.

3: Build Tenacity

Let’s think of this as the law of averages. You can never win if you do not engage in repetitive action to increase your chances. Not winning should be your impetus to commit to your practice and focus on the prize. Striving to excel and thirsting to be the best, are natural elixirs for your quest for gold! Even if you never win, you would have learned so many valuable lessons about your drive to succeed, your commitment to excel, and the fact that regardless of the odds, you did not let ‘losing’ define your journey. To me that is one of, if not the most important skillset I developed in those gut wrenching moments when life told me 'NO'!

4: Increased Relatability

No success story is as marketable if there is no admission of the struggles experienced to get there. Think about it, who wants someone who has never been through anything to motivate them through their challenges. The truth is, everyone loves an inspirational story and the rise of the underdog, however, if you seldom ever lose, it may be difficult for you to relate to the struggles of others and coach them to the next level. I am a firm believer in the fact that there are certain character traits such as compassion, kindness, humility, and relatability that can be harnessed from losing, and when we hone these traits, we become quality mentors to those needing a pathway forward from a place of despair.

5: Victory is Sweeter

Let’s be clear! We all had that one thing that we kept working hard at until we got it, for me it was getting my first pull-up at Crossfit. I remember the feeling of despair trying to get just 1 pull-up, but I set my goal and did not quit, and when I was victorious, it was the best feeling ever! Or on a more mellow note, that time when we lost and people doubted that we were actually as great as our track record of success. You see, we live in a world where it is, ‘what have you done lately,’ so it is not only winning that matters, it is being dominant over a long time period that really solidifies if people think you are great or not. So when you get accustomed to winning and finally lose, and the spotlight is now on you in a negative light, you have been given a prime opportunity to silence the doubters and prove your worth. There is nothing sweeter than proving to yourself and your doubters why losing was the best thing that happened on your trajectory of success to help you stay hungry, build stronger character and polish the areas needing improvement in your execution. Now you have put everyone on notice because you took the lessons learned from losing and are more of an indomitable threat than you were before!

The Pact:

I am challenging you to commit to doing one thing that you have always thought about doing, but were too afraid to try. It could be taking on a leadership role, getting another degree, starting your own business, writing a book, or saying something to someone you've had in your heart for a while. Just give yourself 7 days to do begin your execution process and record what you learn from kicking fear in the butt!

How about we make a pact for us to be kinder to ourselves when we lose, so we are kinder to others when we win. I think there is a compassionate spirit of competition that we should all adhere to in order to be able to view our experiences in the context of progress and lessons learned. That's how we develop grit and resiliency. That's how we build and communicate a strong brand.

I will leave you with this quote by Summer Sanders,“To be a champion, I think you have to see the big picture. It's not about winning and losing; it's about every day hard work and about thriving on a challenge. It's about embracing the pain that you'll experience at the end of a race and not being afraid. I think people think too hard and get afraid of a certain challenge.”

So let's embrace the highlights and lowlights of our life and weave them into our story of success.

Sources and Helpful Reading:

• Grit by Angela Duckworth
• James Harrison on Participation Trophies
• DeAngelo Williams Interview on Participation Trophies
• Trends International Mathematics and Science Study, International Mathematics Report
• Statistics on Failure Rates of Start Ups
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  Dr. Raedene Copeland is a professor, speaker, coach, and brand consultant to individuals and businesses locally and globally!
  Copyright 2016.
  

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